


Saying Goodbyes

by Kummitustytto



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-20
Updated: 2013-06-20
Packaged: 2017-12-15 14:50:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/850792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kummitustytto/pseuds/Kummitustytto
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The last night in Purgatory. Castiel does something selfish. He just needs to say goodbye to Dean and part of him hopes Dean would understand and let go of him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Saying Goodbyes

Benny had said they were close to the portal out of Purgatory and Dean was happy to know that. He was tired of running and fighting even if he somehow kinda liked how things in that hell hole were so simple and black and white: kill or get killed. Sometimes he wished things were always that simple but they weren’t. And he was tired of killing. It reminded him too much about Hell. Now when he had found Cas, he was ready to go back.

Benny had gone somewhere, maybe making sure they were on the right path or something and Dean and Cas were left alone in the so called camp they were using to rest before continuing. It was just basically a shallow hole in the ground where they could hide from those blood thirsty things that wanted to rip them apart.

“So”, Dean started after they had sat in silence for a while, “if Benny knows what he’s doing, tomorrow we’re out.”

Cas looked troubled and that worried Dean. Cas hadn’t been too eager about getting out.

“Cas?”

“Dean, we don’t know if I can…”

“No, we’ve been through this already, I’m not leaving without you and that’s that. I don’t care if it’s dangerous to try getting you through the portal, I’m not leaving you.”

Castiel avoided Dean’s gaze making him worry even more.

“Dean… don’t you think I deserve to be shut in Purgatory? After all I’ve done?” the angel asked. Dean didn’t like this conversation at all. He just wanted to go back to the upside and take his angel with him, no matter what Cas had done.

“So what, now it’s you who doesn’t think deserves to be saved, huh?” he asked almost angrily. “Cas please, just let me save you this one time and you can continue regretting your choices when we’re back on Earth, okay?”

Cas took a deep breath and turned to face Dean. “I can’t. Dean, please, you must understand, I can’t go back with you. I destroyed Heaven, I betrayed you and Sam… I can’t go back, I must suffer my punishment.”

“No.” Dean answered unhesitatingly. “No. What you must do is to let me save your ass and we can find a punishment for you later, but you’re not gonna stay here, you hear me?”

“Dean, God made Purgatory for monsters who couldn’t be sent to Hell but who’s souls were too filthy and twisted to go to Heaven. I became a monster. I should be in Purgatory. I hoped you’d understand. There is nothing I’d do more gladly than go with you, but I can’t.”

“And what am I supposed to do? Go back and live my life without you? Knowing you’re most likely being ripped apart by some leviathans? I’m not good enough for you to live for?”

“Dean… listen….”

“No, you listen to me!” Dean shouted more aggressively than he had meant to. He was just so… angry? Or sad? Probably both. Cas had promised him he’d let Dean save him, hadn’t he? And now the angel was gonna refuse. He’d rather be here than with Dean. “How many times I have to say it to you? I. Need. You. Cas.”

“No you don’t need me. I’m just… I’m just bad luck. I’m not coming with you and Benny. I can’t let you risk yourself for me.”

Dean felt desperate. What he could say to make Cas change his mind? What could he say? He felt like he had already tried everything. He had even told Cas he needed him and for Dean it was a big thing. He didn’t admit easily that he needed someone and when he did he really meant it. It basically meant he didn’t want to live without him. It basically meant ‘I love you’.

“Cas”, Dean said trying to keep his voice steady, “don’t do this to me.”

Cas looked at him in the eye the way only he could. Then he gently placed his hand on Dean’s cheek. Dean didn’t resist.

“Dean, I hoped you’d understand. I wanted… I just needed to properly say you goodbye”, the angel said softly.

“No”, Dean still tried knowing the battle was lost. But he didn’t have to believe it. He’d get his angel through with him, he would, he’d drag that stupid son of a bitch with him no matter what the angel said… He felt like crying, but he fought the tears. He was just so tired of everything.

“Goodbye, Dean”, Castiel whispered and gently kissed him. Dean let him and after a while he noticed he was kissing back and it hurt like Hell. He didn’t want to say goodbye.

When Cas pulled away Dean said: “You can’t just kiss someone and then leave them for an eternity.”

“You’re right Dean, that was extremely selfish. I just had to know how it felt. How you’d react. I wished you’d accept my choice but… now… you’re right.”

For a moment Dean felt his hopes go up, but Cas destroyed them when he continued: “That’s why we never kissed. And I never told you that I plan to stay.”

Cas raised two fingers towards Dean who startled backwards crying out a desperate “No Cas, don’t!”

But Cas was too quick and before Dean even knew the fingers were pressed against his forehead and… It felt strange… What… what had happened? Dean blinked in confusion. There was something heavy on his heart but he couldn’t put his finger on it, he couldn’t remember what was weighting on him like that, not to save his life. Castiel was there beside him. What had they been talking about…? Oh yes.

“It’s good to get out of here, isn’t it Cas?”

“Yes. Yes it is, Dean.”


End file.
